Learn to Forgive and Let Go

Learning to forgive and let go is essential for emotional well-being and personal growth. Forgiveness allows us to release anger and resentment, leading to a more peaceful and fulfilled life. By letting go of past grievances, we open ourselves up to healthier relationships, improved mental health, and reduced risk of anxiety and depression.

Z. Hereford

forgive and let go
forgive and let go

The ability to forgive and let go of past hurts is one of the most critical challenges many of us face on the road to attaining personal peace and happiness.

While it certainly isn't easy, it is vital for long-term mental and emotional health.

Forgiveness can be defined as the decision to let go of resentment, anger, and thoughts of revenge as a result of a real or perceived offense, hurt, or wrongdoing against you.

Forgiving someone does not mean denying a person's responsibility for hurting you, nor does it mean minimizing or justifying the act. It does mean being willing to forgive someone without condoning or excusing what they did and then letting it go.

According to Dr. Robert Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin and a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness - forgiveness is a choice. It is uncovering and letting go of anger while restoring hope and moving on with life. He writes:

"People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrong doer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrong doer by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.)"

In other words, while there is no question that we have the right to feel resentment and the desire to respond accordingly, we can choose not to. When we do, we refuse to play the victim's role and let go of the control and power the offending person or situation has over us. We choose not to allow grudges, hurt, or wrongdoings to define our lives.

How can we learn to forgive and let go?

✔ Begin by acknowledging what hurt or offended you. While denying the hurtful offense may be the first thing you want to do, it is best to admit it happened. Reflect upon it; note how you reacted and what it has done to your health and well-being. Be able to articulate what was unacceptable about the situation.

✔ Look for a broader perspective on what took place. Attempt to understand the other person. Was the offense deliberate or merely mindless and insensitive? Perhaps the person had no idea they hurt you or was suffering from something themselves. Did they do it out of selfishness or recklessness, or were other unknown circumstances at play? Sometimes, trying to understand the situation sheds new light on the matter and may lessen the hurtful response. It is also possible that you may have been oversensitive at the time. Hurt feelings are invariably subjective. Perhaps you were having a bad day; perhaps they were.

If you know the hurtful act was deliberate, vicious, and intended to harm you, you may have to 'reframe' the situation. Reframing is a technique whereby you change the conceptual or emotional viewpoint from which you experience an event and put it in a different context or frame of reference. For instance, some harm others, thinking it will alleviate their own pain and distress. They lash out regardless of whom they are hurting or how. Your ability to sort through a hurtful occurrence and put it into a different "framework" will prepare you to begin the process of forgiveness and letting it go.

✔ Work through the emotions. It is also important to acknowledge the event, acknowledge the anger, frustration, and myriad emotions, but not get stuck in them. Practice stress management techniques such as exercise, yoga, deep breathing, guided meditations, or anything else you find soothing and relaxing. Cognitive strategies like writing in a journal or talking to a wise friend or counselor are also very beneficial.

In recent studies on forgiveness coping strategies, men responded positively when challenged to learn to forgive and negatively when it involved emotion-focused coping. For women, however, it was found to be positively associated with emotion-focused coping and acceptance and negatively associated with avoidance. Thus, based on these findings, if you're a man, it is more helpful to approach forgiveness as a challenge or goal to accomplish. If you're a woman working on acceptance, understanding, and compassion may be a more successful approach.

✔ Commit to letting go and moving on. Remember first that forgiving is more for your benefit than anyone else's. Secondly, forgiveness and letting go take time, so be patient with yourself. Certainly, it can be difficult to separate what you feel emotionally from what makes sense to do logically. However, if you commit to focusing on the benefits of forgiveness and letting go, you can more easily move forward with your life.

Letting go can be defined as " a combination of accepting but not denying, living in the present and looking forward to the future without regret for the past, and being willing to move on and beyond."

Researchers and scientists have been discovering the health benefits of attaining forgiveness. Their studies have shown that holding on to grudges and bitterness can result in severe mental, emotional, and physical consequences. Consequences such as depression, anxiety, and the feeling that one's life lacks meaning and purpose, as well as the loss of valuable connectedness with family and friends, become high prices to pay for holding on to resentment.

✔ Get Professional Help If You Need It. If you find it too difficult to forgive and let go on your own, especially if the offending acts have been traumatic or are ongoing, then consider working through your feelings and deeper issues with a good therapist. It would be worthwhile to gain the peace of mind you seek and move forward with your life.

The Benefits of Learning Forgiveness and Letting Go
  • Increased happiness and health with improved functioning of cardiovascular and nervous systems and fewer overall illnesses

  • Restored positive thoughts, feelings, behaviors and promotes overall psychological well-being

  • Increased compassion, understanding, and healing

  • Reduced stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain

  • Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

  • Ability to function better in career, education, workplace

  • Increases hope and optimism for the future

Ultimately, forgiveness releases us from past hurts, memories, and enslavement. Alternatively, not to forgive is to surrender oneself to the control of others and allow the present to be consumed by the past. If we choose not to forgive, we may carry anger, bitterness, and resentment into future situations and relationships and deprive ourselves of the peace of mind, health, and happiness we deserve.

In the end, the best revenge is a life well lived!